He Didn’t Tell Me

Before you, it was him.

And he told me that he loved me, and he told me that I was attractive.

But he didnt tell me I was beautiful.

He didn’t tell me that I was tough, or brave, or loving, or caring, or selfless.

He didn’t tell me that I can do anything I want

or that he just wants to see me happy.

That he respects me.

My body, my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions.

He never told me all of the things you tell me now.

Which is why he’s in the past and you’re my future.

-A.K.A. The Author

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Finals

Hey everyone! 

I can’t believe it’s December and my first semester of college is almost over! Finals week is technically next week, but I have 2 this week too. My biology lab final was Monday and I think it went okay?? I have til Saturday to take my final for medical terminology and my last chapter test for human development. Then next week I  have my biology final, human development final, Spanish final, and psychology final before I get to head home for break!

I got one of the BEST early Christmas presents ever today! My biology teacher decided that since we’re behind, instead of taking the last chapter test AND a comprehensive final- the final is going to be the last chapter test!! I am honestly SO excited, the bio final was my biggest source of stress because my professors tests NEVER MATCH what he teaches in class. But now I have to study like crazy to do really well on this test. 

Another INSANE thing is that its now exactly 2 weeks until I’m in freaking LONDON again! I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on my blog yet actually, but basically instead of driving home to SLC and hibernating in my bedroom after eating a billion of my mom’s sugar cookies (pure heaven, honestly), I am going to be hopping on a plane and flying back to the city I was in exactly 6 months ago as of today! Something even crazier (somehow) is that I am going to be staying with my boyfriend and his family.

I have SO much to do but I’m also SO excited for the next few weeks! How are your finals going? 

Still Not Home

Hey y’all.

It’s been an interesting week I guess. My headaches have been getting a bit better and today at neuro rehab I got to go outside and shoot around on the basketball court they have at the hospital which was really fun!

My cousin who is  a year older than me was in town for the day and we’ve been really close our whole lives so it was really good to see her and hangout. We basically spent the whole day laughing our heads off and I procrastinated my Spanish homework.

All in all it’s been a pretty good week, a lot better than the few past ones. But I’m still just struggling with being basically alone here. I have Lauren, but she has her roommates and they’re great and all, but they’re still HER friends. I just miss having my own friends.

I’m also really close with all of my younger cousins and aunts and uncles and it’s really hard being away from not only my parents and especially my little brother, but all of them too. I’m a people person and not being around more people I can actually talk to and hangout with is getting to me.

I know that I should just go out and make new friends but I’ve been so busy with homework and just not feeling good that as soon as school is over I just want to go home.

I  like it down here and I’m enjoying the smaller school environment, it’s just not really a place I could see myself staying long term. I realized earlier today that I still don’t call this home, even after 3 months. Home is still back north and this is still just “my house”.  St. George is a pretty small city that isn’t super rural itself, but there is a huge mass of rural land between here and northern Utah by Salt Lake. I miss being able to just get on the freeway and be either downtown or in the canyon within 40 minutes. And I miss the mountains sooo much, my sense of direction is basically gone without them. I miss the cold, it’s warm in November and I don’t understand how that even works. Plus I’ll only be able to go to one Utes game this year which breaks my heart on a whole other level.  I even miss living further away from things just so that I can actually listen to a whole song in the car before I have to get out.

I just kind of want to be anywhere but here at the moment.

Many Houses

 

You spend your nights in the company of melancholy

playing the music just loud enough to convince your thoughts

to not drift too far away,

drifting your fingers through the flames of a burning candle

just to make sure you can feel anything at all.

You tell yourself you’re happy and not something else,

but happiness isn’t a constant state of being.

It’s an emotion, that comes and goes as fast as

the gas in the car you drive for miles and miles

searching for somewhere, for something, that

makes you feel like you belong.

But home is not always a house, sometimes home

is many houses.

And sometimes home is the many people inside

the houses, or one person and no house at all.

Or maybe it’s just you.

Anomaly

Dear ________,

I haven’t had a day like this in a long time. After you left, I could already feel it coming. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but it’s like this mass inside my stomach & chest that makes everything feel so … worthless. I spent all day trying to accomplish something so I felt better.  I tried to get ready so I would feel pretty, and I did for a second but it didn’t matter. So I tried to do homework to feel productive, but I just felt worse.  I hate basing my self-worth off of school, I get so sick of being “smart” sometimes. I’d rather be brave, or fun, or adventurous- not stuck at a desk doing yet another assignment that in the grand scheme of things is meaningless. I believe in working hard for things, I really do. It’s just, my life could end tomorrow, and what do I have to show for it, good grades?? After I finally forced myself to leave my room to eat something & watch football. Within 5 minutes I couldn’t pay attention so I turned on the TV, and then grabbed my phone, trying to distract myself form thinking about what I knew was coming. That eventually led to blasting music & cleaning every possible thing in an attempt to stay sane. It’s now 10 p.m. and I’m sitting on the kitchen floor listening to your playlist. I have no idea if you’ll ever even read this, but I hope that you know that tonight you could’ve saved my life. No matter what thought has popped into my head these last few hours, one of you follows. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. And I’m sorry for thinking about it or more than thinking about it- I really am. I don’t know if I’m an anomaly or not, sometimes these days just happen. Half of me is terrified to show this to you, because I don’t want you to be disappointed or think you don’t make me happy enough. Because you do, that’s why I’m still writing this. The other half of me wants to send it right now, before you even wake up, because I feel like I shouldn’t keep it from you & I just want someone  to know. But in the end I guess all I really have to say is thank you, and I love you. 

– A

College Update!

Hey y’all! I’m currently writing from inside the Science building like a true college student.  If you didn’t know, I’m currently a freshman at Dixie State University. Today is my 3rd day and so far I’ve really liked it! This year I’m taking Intermediate Spanish, Biology and the Biology Lab, Kundalini Yoga, Psychology, Human Development through the Lifespan, and Medical Terminology.

Saying goodbye to my parents and little brother was actually pretty hard, especially when my mom started bawling immediately. Watching them drive away was a really weird feeling because I was really sad… but also really excited at the same time. I haven’t gotten home sick thus far ( go me xD) but I did tear up a little this morning while texting my brother because today is his 16th birthday. It’s the first birthday/holiday that I’m not home for which is a little sad, but since I’m the best sister ever (obviously) I ordered the game he’s really been wanting on Amazon so he has something from me to open.

I live in a little house with one other girl who I really like! We spent one of the nights watching TLC (can someone say guilty pleasure television?) and it was super fun! I also got a new mattress and I looooove ittttt.

Welp I am also great at procrastinating and so now its the weekend after my 2nd week of college and the homework is starting to flow in (help plz).

On Saturday I drove an hour out to my grandma’s house with Lauren to see my baby cousin! She’s almost 9 months now and she’s so so cute! She is starting to get a sense of “stranger danger” but still let me hold her for the most part thankfully. My uncle from Arizona and his girlfriend also came and brought this really good pie from a small shop in the middle of nowhere essentially xD

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Oh, also! My allergy to high fructose corn syrup has decided to show up again which means that I had to get rid of all the food that has it since I’m trying to keep myself alive over here.  Thankfully I got in the habit of buying certain brands that already don’t have HFCS in it like ketchup and bread, but basically all the candy and sweets and stuff like that had to go. (Oh and btw for those who live outside of the U.S. high fructose corn syrup is in like everything).

Overrall everything has been going pretty good and I’ve really liked living on my own and going to college instead of high school. I’m hoping to be able to keep actively blogging, so we’ll see how that goes!

Love y’all! -Aspen AKA The Author