A Poem

Yes, it is cliche. Yes, this was an actual conversation. Yes, I know that’s weird.

Sometimes I just feel like I’m drowning. Like my heart is being weighed down further and further into an ocean of misery while I’m stuck floating on the surface as if nothings wrong. Because the moment someone starts  flailing and struggling visibly it’s shrugged off as wanting attention.
I feel like I’m trying to hold so many people above the surface that I can’t focus on keeping myself afloat. So when these huge waves come I fall even farther and somehow get blamed for dragging the people I was trying to save with me.

I wasn’t going to post this but……. here it is.

-AKA Aspen

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My Comfort Zone

Today, I went to one of my most visited places, the hospital. My home away from home, I’ve never been uncomfortable with hospitals before. In fact, the friendly smiles from nurses and odd glances from strangers are familiar. In a way the hospital is my comfort zone, but not today.

I was with my family going to visit my great grandmother. She has water on her lungs, a really bad heart, has gone blind, and will turn 85 in October.

She is an amazing person, extremely kind, but also very sassy. “You should know, I’m a character” She loves to say.

To give a little background, she is my dad’s grandma and since my dad’s father passed away when I was a baby they’re really close.
Like REALLY close, he goes to visit her every day for lunch and she even calls him “the golden child.”

Anyways, today when I went to visit her, she looked terrible. She can barely talk and her eyes are almost swollen shut.
By the time we got her sat up and were having a conversation I felt sick. Emotionally, mentally, physically sick.

I grabbed my mom’s purse to get a piece of gum, and my grandma said, “You came to visit me and you’re getting you’re phone?”
“No grandma, I’m getting some gum.”
I then proceeded to roll the wrapper around in my fingers until it was almost black and see-through.

Then the guys from the hospital came to give her the sacrament (something from our religion), and during the prayer I started crying and nearly bit through my lip. 
Before we left, my dad took some pictures and she kept worrying about her hair πŸ™‚
She made us all grab her hand and told us she loved us. Which I’m pretty sure was a goodbye.

I don’t deal well with goodbyes, I hate goodbyes.

-AKA Aspen

Q and A

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As you can probably tell, I was nominated to do the Q and A tag by the amazing and lovely, Elm
and Teenage Lunatics. Thank you so much, it means truckloads!!

1. Respond and rework, answer the questions and change the ones you don’t like.
2. Nominate 7 other people!

I’m going to take some of the questions from Elm, and add some of my own.

1. What is your current book obsession?
Well I just finished 13 Reasons Why. It was really good, and gave me an interesting perspective on suicide.

2. Favorite author?
Well this is ridiculously difficult but one of my favorites is Cassandra Clare.

3. Fashion style?
Jeans and t-shirts my friends jeans a t-shirts. (At least it’s a step up from basketball shorts…)

4. Hair?
Really long dark brown with a little bit of auburn. I recently got it layered though and it’s the shortest it’s ever been.

5. Favorite songs to play on cello?
I love playing Phantom of the Opera, Pirates of the Caribbean, and some Brian Crane songs.

6. Why is today special?
Well we’re going to see my great grandma in the hospital for what may be the last time before she passes away. And it’s my cousin Sienna’s 13 birthday l, so happy birthday to her!

7. What is something you would like to learn?
I want to learn to play another instrument other than cello, and learn more languages.

8. Future plans?
I want to go to either medical school or do something with human behavior. I also want to go on a mission, have a family, and travel!

9. What are you listening to right now?
Hymns. I’m currently in sacrament meeting at church.

10. Favorite color?
Purple or red.

11. What job did you want as a kid?
I’ve always wanted to be a doctor. Probably because I was, and still am always injured.

12. Most challenging goal right now?
Trying to balance friendships. And adding school to the mix also.

13. What can you not live without?
Mi familia, including my non-blood related friends. They’re family too.

14. How was your childhood.
Really good, other than my many hospital visits.

15. Favorite book of all time?
Okay so I love The Mortal Instruments, and To Kill A Mockingbird, but ever since childhood my favorite book has been Oh, The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss

16. What would you like to get rid of?
The thought in society that somehow telling us to be ourselves, and telling us we’re not good enough makes sense.
Oh and every other bad thing in the world πŸ˜‰

17. What are you most excited for?
Either debate team or basketball.

18. What’s your favorite type of music?
Country all the way.

19. Which countries have you visited?
Sadly, only the US of A. But I hope to visit a ton!

20. The last movie you watched?
Mulan! My all time favorite Disney movie!

I nominate (In no particular order)
1. Dreams and Movie Screens
2.One Million Words Can’t Make A Wrong Write
3.Every Word You Say
4.Autumn Accepts
5.Katie Bun
6.Teenage Lunatics
7.Sunny

-AKA Aspen

As of Now

As of now, debate class is completely legit (Yes, I said legit). We had to do an impromptu speech on ourselves and then write the outline for impromptu speeches where you get a topic, one minute of prep time, and have to talk for six minutes.

Next for English, we had to read To Kill A Mockingbird, and although the beginning sort of drags on, the rest is amazing! I highly recommend reading it, I learned a lot.

And lastly, orchestra. So in my class is my best friend Bex, and our other friend I’ll call Lewis, (Like C.S. Lewis, get it?) who is actually a best friend. I’ve known both of them for about three years. . And then there’s the new kid, Charles. (Charles Dickens….) He likes Criminal Minds too so it was basically an automatic friendship. Long story short, he’s joined our trio.

And I really wanted to write something meaningful, and worth reading, but right now I’m writing a short story and kind of just giving an update. Los sientos mis amigos (Sorry my friends).

If you want me to upload the short story I’m currently writing, comment below! A new chapter update should be up by tomorrow too so…..

Have an awesome, amazing day!

It Has Begun

Today was my first actual day of school. Dun, dun, duuun! And it was long, and exhausting, but not too bad I guess.

My AP Physics teacher is super chill which is really nice, and my AP European History teacher is pretty cool too. (Even if she assigned two three page essays as summer homework and gave us a test today).

And you won’t believe it, but in math, we actually did math. I mean who does schoolwork on the FIRST day of school?! It’s ridiculous if you ask me. Plus my Spanish teacher will only speak Spanish in the classroom. She seems like a cool person, but seriously? I’ve taken two years of Spanish and although I do know quite a bit, I only understand the main gist of what she’s saying.

Tomorrow I get to see how debate, seminary, english, and orchestra go. Wish me luck…..

I really hope this school year goes well, I tend to stress until the point where I get physically sick. Does anybody else do that??

Hope I didn’t bore you all to death. Till next time.

Teens Tell Their Story: An Interview With Sunny

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Hey ya’ll! So for this week’s ttts, Sunny and I decided to team up and do an interview. Since the topic is meant for us to learn more about another bloggers life, we decided to do some deeper questions. (Sorry for the weird boldex, undelined, and italic text. My phone is feeling a little out of wack today.)

1. Who are you really? Describe yourself without using your name, or any attributes given to you by society and really think. Deep down, who are you?

Sunny:Β  I am an emotional open book, but I also hide a lot of my feelings from people–probably only because I myself am confused about how I feel most of the time.
Me: Deep down, I feel like I’m someone who wants the best, but can handle the worst. I live for the possibilities of the future, and love to think live in the moment.

2. What is honor, and does it even matter anymore?

Sunny:Β  I think that one aspect of honor is dependent on how someone behaves when nobody else is around. This matters so much when you are forming a relationship with someone. What is there to say about a person who behaves differently in front of you than they do on their own? It’s fake and untrustworthy.
Me: Honor is the respect someone has earned because of what they’ve down and how they live their life. Like Atticus Finch from To Kill A Mockingbird, he had honor. I think honor has become insignificant today, and people rarely do something for the fact that it is right.

3. Would your life be better or worse, if you knew the time and place where you would die?

Sunny: My life would definitely be worse if I knew when I was going to die, because I would feel like I had no hope. The mystery of life would be gone, and what’s the fun in that? I think that one of the biggest parts of living is not knowing how much time you’re going to have, and deciding the best way to use it.
Me:  I feel as if my life would be worse if I knew when I was going to die. I’d live my life not having any hope for the future which would crush me.

4. What have you done that you’re most proud to have achieved?

Sunny: Hm. The thing that I’m currently most proud of is being at the top of my worldview class last year at school despite being the youngest student. Academics, y’all πŸ˜‰
Me: My greatest achievement would probably be finishing a 100 mile bike ride, but I’m most proud of being able to be myself even when it sucks.

5. If you could send a message to the entire world, what would you say in 30 seconds?

Sunny: I would use the opportunity to tell people about my faith in God. Either that or describe my love of bacon πŸ˜›
Me: Geez, can I say everything? I’d probably say to take a look around at both the good and the bad. We live in such a terrible society, yet the Earth is still beautiful and there are still good people. Then smile, because sometimes the good is more powerful than the bad.

6. If you could go back in time, once, and change a single thing – what would it be?

Sunny: I think that I would stop worrying and stressing out so much over little things that don’t really matter as much as I think they do. For me, anxiety has taken away a lot of enjoyment from said events.
Me: I want to say that I’d go stop Hitler and save lives, but honestly I wouldn’t change anything. I don’t feel like taking the risk of ruining our future further. But if I had to choose, I’d go back to when girls becamd lower than men.

7. What terrifies you the most?

Sunny: I’m terrified of relying on people too much and then having them leave me.
Me: The thing the terrifies me most is disappointment. I hate letting down people with expectations, especially myself.

8. What’s the biggest difference you’ve ever made in somebody’s life?

Sunny: I’ve been told by somebody close to me that I taught them how to love and care for someone like they never had before. It really meant a lot to me.
Me: My favorite answer would have to be with my younger cousins. I’ve basically been an older sibling/parent for them and they told me that I taught them to be confident and love yourself.

9. Do you believe in a perfect person?

Sunny: No. I believe the idea of perfect is unachievable for human beings.
Me:  Definitely not. “Perfect” people are liars.

10. Do you have a guilty pleasure?

Sunny: Yes. I love the song Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood even though it’s seriously bad XD
Me: Pfft no….. Okay I might be obsessed with Phantom of the Opera even if it totally goes against my personality.

Shout out to Alternative Sunny Days, she’s an amazing blogger! I really enjoyed doing this with her, and getting to see another teen’s POV of the world!

-AKA Aspen

One by One: Bex

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Okay so I started a post like this with all of my friends recognized, but I decided to do them individually as I had a specific experience to share.

Skip over them if you don’t want to read about some random stranger πŸ™‚ It’s just that this blog is about my life, and they take up a large part of it. They’re responsible for getting me through the hard times, laughing so hard I can’t breathe.

Bex is one of the sweetest, gentlest people I know. She is incredibly smart, but also a bit of an airhead. She is weird, just like me and has some wicked awesome ideas. She’s my study buddy and is always by my side.
I would write more, but I feel like this conversation between us sums it up:

Bex– Dude, i think that about myself all the time. That i should just keep my writing to myself because its stupid, repetative, cheesy, etc. those are things i have only thought about my writing, But when i look at your writing i think, wow how does she do that, she makes a cheesy situation look like it came out of shakespear. I hope you know that i would hate to see you quit writing because you have a gift. And you seem to love it, i would never judge your writing with anything more than a slight suggestion, constructive critisism, even if i wanted to say something mean, i couldnt even begin to find anything to say without being stupidly critical like for example telling you that that character cant die because so many characters have died in other stories, that kind of stupidly critical.Β  so keep going, its only saitin telling you its dumb because he knows that youre too good, and that you could inspire others like myself. Your the reason ive found joy in writing, the reason i tell myself to keep going no matter how stupid abyone else may tell me it is
Me– Rebecca Ann Allen, why on Earth did God ever let me meet someone like you?
Thank you so much. You have no idea how much I look up to you. I may joke about you being the weak one, but it’s never true. Being gentle and patient and sweet is a talent, not a hinderance.
True friendship isn’t about trusting someone with one secret or laughing every once in awhile.
True friendship is about knowing the other person inside and out.
Disagreeing when you know what’s good for them, and always telling the truth. Even if it hurts.
And that’s how I know you’re telling me the truth. I know you would never lie to me about something this important on my life or even something small.
I know that because you are a true friend. And I could never imagine, dream, or create a better friend than you.
Thank you.
Bex– Thankyou aspen. Earlier this summer i always thought of how i would feel if i lost you. I knew i would be lost myself, and thats something i Cant say as truthfully about a lot of people, but you, i always saw you as smart, talented, kind, and i wondered what the heck i did to deserve a friend like you. I thought that i didnt deserve someone like you, but you make me feel like im worth more. When you call me weak, i knew that you meant in my lack of physical strength, but i also knew that you didnt think less of me for it, that you knew where i was strong, you know how far is too far, or at least with me. I just thank god that i met you after i discovered how far was too far, but i feel i still have much to learn in that area. I just hope that someday i dont end up saying something stupid to mess up our friendship, because thats something i cant afford to lose. You have had such a greate influence on me. You along with a few others are the only ones i trust with my life, i know that no matter what i say, you accept me. Thank you for that.
Me– Always. Infinity to wherever the heck you want to go. I’ll be right there to support you. You will never, ever be weak in my eyes. Your physical strength doesn’t have 1 ounce of influence on what I think od you.
I am so grateful to be a part of your life and be able to have all the blessings you bring along to everyone else you meet.
I don’t even care if this sounds cheesy, we were supposed to meet.
I was supposed to move to West Jordan and go to Sunset. You were supposed to miss out on the ALPS program and move eight houses away from me.
Maybe we were made to not be sisters so that we could see fully how important someone can be in our lives and how we can form bonds that do take work but will always be worth it.
I am incredibly thankful and astonished at how far we’ve come, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for our friendship.

I decided to keep the mistakes since I copied it directly from my text messages. As you can see, we get a little sentimental at three in the morning.

How many people do you have in your life that casually make you feel like the most important person? A lot I hope, because you each deserve it.

-AKA Aspen