What to Tell Myself When I’m Dying

Umm… hey ya’ll. It’s been a good week, all things considered. I got to hang out with my best friends and spend all night laughing. I love you Bex and Laur! 

But something else happened too, as I may have told some of you I spent Thursday night in thr Emergency Room. I’ve been having really bad heart pain for the past three months but this past week was really bad. My arms start throbbing and aching and my hands turn purple. So I got some x-rays done and an EKG. The x-ray was completely normal, but the EKG revealed that I have sinus AV block borderline QT. Which I have no idea what we do about, but either way it shouldn’t be making my arms hurt. So I have appointment scheduled with a special cardiologist for Wednesday.

And one other thing, I have a swollen lymph node. Now that’s not always a big deal, but my dad had stage 4 non-Hodgkins lymphoma and his came up the same way. So now I may have cancer. And I’ll have to go get a biopsy to check it out.

All in all, it’s been a very odd week. As mentioned in the title, I don’t even know what to tell myself. I want to be optimistic like, oh yeah everything will be fine. But sadly, the one person I can’t lie to myself. Because there’s always a chance that it’s not. When it comes to this I’m so pessimistic I’m almost optimistic, I mean even if worst case scenario I die, there’s no point in not letting myself be happy.

But wait, that doesn’t make sense because I was freaking crying at school! Although Bex started it, I couldn’t help it. I don’t WANT to leave, guys. I want to help all my friends and be there for their weddings and I want to do something that matters to me.

But I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone. My amazingly supportive family and courageous friends. You mean the world to me, you really do. (Bex, Laur, Ry, Hans, Lewis, Emmy, Charles, etc.)

Oh and since I have a thing for inserting my own life into posts here’s something one of my newfound best friends said that meant a lot to me.

Love you guys!! (And sorry for the lack of posts…)