So these past few weeks have been under normal circumstances, pretty good. The deadline for math homework got pushed back a week, I get to spend time with my cousins tonight (Eeek I can’t wait to see them!!), and my friends have been absolutely AMAZING, you have no idea.
First off, explaining. Well for those of you who don’t know, I have some major heart problems that don’t really have any solution. As I’m writing this, my mom is making another doctor’s appointment for me. We don’t know exactly how long I have or how deadly/ quick it all could be. All I know is that it hurts like complete and utter hell. I’ve been stabbed before, so when I say that it feels like I’m beings stabbed in my heart and back, I really mean it. My arms are constantly aching and my hands will lose feeling quite a bit. I also have a hard time standing without getting really dizzy, and breathing has been my worst enemy.
Another thing is that I have a swollen lymph node that may be cancerous. The enlarged one in my neck/shoulder is exactly how my dad’s cancer showed up. And I’ve had a few symptoms so that’s just fantastic.
Now ranting, and an apology in advance….. Guys I’m getting so sick of it, sometimes I honestly think it would just be better to die. Not that I would ever make a move to harm myself or end my own life, but if it was happening it would solve a lot of problems. But there’s also the other side of me that doesn’t want to die. I don’t want to miss out on everything and put everyone I love through that. But it hurts, god it hurts so bad. Today during orchestra I couldn’t even play, I just sat in the back trying so hard not to cry every time I breathed. My friend, Charles hurt his wrist so he was back there with me trying to make me feel better. And honestly, hugs and talking about Jensen Ackles very fine butt do help XD.
Uggghhhh I just wish there was a way for it to go away for awhile, that there was a way I could stop breathing for more than a few seconds. But there isn’t so I’m sitting here helpless and dying. Literally. Sometimes I think I’m funny….. I’m halfway convinced that I have little pain demons following me around and stabbing me in the back. Charles and I were trying to find some demon spray, but that obviously didn’t work too well.
AAAAAAAHHHHHHhhh that’s exactly what I want to do, just scream forever even though it hurts really bad to. When the people who are supposed to help you are the ones saying that they can’t its terrifying. The words, “We don’t know. We can’t help” plastered in my brain, playing over and over again, but they won’t go away. I couldn’t claw them out if I tried. And so I cry, in pain and misery and self loathing. Why do I let myself be so weak in a time where all I need to be is strong?
And finally, thanking. This is rough, not only for me, but everyone around me. And I realize that. I appreciate everyone so much, all of you on this website who have been so helpful. Liv, for your inspiring words and Elm for your constant support, Sunny for your emotion and caring, and everyone else for EVERYTHING. I love you all so so much.
And my family, my aunts and cousins who sent me countless, “how are you feeling? We love you! ” messages and phone calls. My mom who takes me to all the doctors appointments and tries so hard to be strong, my dad who always makes sure I’m doing alright and that I know he loves me, and my little brother for his jokes and hugs and I love you’s.
And my friends, for your patience and listening to my painful ranting and dealing with my slow walking and using you as a pillow in Spanish class when needed. For talking me through everything and letting me know you’ve got my best interest in mind, for just being there. For Bex’s hugs and jokes, Lauren’s smiles and “I understands”, for Charles constant support and “No need to thank me’s” and Ryann’s caring notions and “I love you’s”. Thank you for sitting and crying with me and the countless hugs that make me feel safe. If you’re reading this I love ya’ll so much.
I would apologize for this, but I think it’s good for ya’ll to get a good perspective on everything.
As always, love ya’ll