Hey ya’ll this is going to be messy, but I need to write it down. I’m not sure if I’ll post it, but I guess we’ll see.
Yesterday I got sick. Not anything particular major, just a cold. But my body takes things to the extreme so a cold isn’t very enjoyable. A cold isn’t days of coughing and sneezing, a cold is calling doctors and trying not to panic. I feel like I’ve already been told to walk the plank and this is just another inch towards the ocean. Because even though colds can be life threatening for most people, for me it’s in the 80-90% range.
You know sometimes I wish it would just happen. That it’d all be over with. But I don’t want to die. I don’t want to miss everything.
I DON’T WANT TO DIE, I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.
And the people who should be able to help are the most unsure. Hearing my entire future relying on the words, “We don’t know” and “not getting better” isn’t very assuring.
Because you’re not getting better doesn’t mean a future.
You’re not getting better means no future.
You’re not getting better means smashing hope.
You’re not getting better means you probably never will.
It means, I’m not getting better.
I won’t have a future.
But I want a future, that’s all I ever wanted. And I don’t have anyone to blame everyone I’ve ever told has been so kind, I can’t even blame myself because I couldn’t change it if I wanted to. Hell I can’t even blame God because he gave me another chance 5 years ago. I’m just so….. greedy. I want MORE. More than I deserve I guess.
Because you’re not getting better only means you’re getting worse.