Explaining, Ranting and Thanking.

Hey ya’ll.

So these past few weeks have been under normal circumstances, pretty good. The deadline for math homework got pushed back a week, I get to spend time with my cousins tonight (Eeek I can’t wait to see them!!), and my friends have been absolutely AMAZING, you have no idea.

First off, explaining. Well for those of you who don’t know, I have some major heart problems that don’t really have any solution. As I’m writing this, my mom is making another doctor’s appointment for me. We don’t know exactly how long I have or how deadly/ quick it all could be. All I know is that it hurts like complete and utter hell. I’ve been stabbed before, so when I say that it feels like I’m beings stabbed in my heart and back, I really mean it. My arms are constantly aching and my hands will lose feeling quite a bit. I also have a hard time standing without getting really dizzy, and breathing has been my worst enemy.

Another thing is that I have a swollen lymph node that may be cancerous. The enlarged one in my neck/shoulder is exactly how my dad’s cancer showed up. And I’ve had a few symptoms so that’s just fantastic.

Now ranting, and an apology in advance….. Guys I’m getting so sick of it, sometimes I honestly think it would just be better to die. Not that I would ever make a move to harm myself or end my own life, but if it was happening it would solve a lot of problems. But there’s also the other side of me that doesn’t want to die. I don’t want to miss out on everything and put everyone I love through that. But it hurts, god it hurts so bad. Today during orchestra I couldn’t even play, I just sat in the back trying so hard not to cry every time I breathed. My friend, Charles hurt his wrist so he was back there with me trying to make me feel better. And honestly, hugs and talking about Jensen Ackles very fine butt do help XD.

Uggghhhh I just wish there was a way for it to go away for awhile, that there was a way  I could stop breathing for more than a few seconds. But there isn’t so I’m sitting here helpless and dying. Literally. Sometimes I think I’m funny….. I’m halfway convinced that I have little pain demons following me around and stabbing me in the back. Charles and I were trying to find some demon spray, but that obviously didn’t work too well.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHhhh that’s exactly what I want to do, just scream forever even though it hurts really bad to. When the people who are supposed to help you are the ones saying that they can’t its terrifying. The words, “We don’t know. We can’t help” plastered in my brain, playing over and over again, but they won’t go away. I couldn’t claw them out if I tried. And so I cry, in pain and misery and self loathing. Why do I let myself be so weak in a time where all I need to be is strong?

 

And finally, thanking. This is rough, not only for me, but everyone around me. And I realize that. I appreciate everyone so much, all of you on this website who have been so helpful. Liv, for your inspiring words and Elm for your constant support, Sunny for your emotion and caring, and everyone else for EVERYTHING. I love you all so so much.

And my family, my aunts and cousins who sent me countless, “how are you feeling? We love you! ” messages and phone calls. My mom who takes me to all the doctors appointments and tries so hard to be strong, my dad who always makes sure I’m doing alright and that I know he loves me, and my little brother for his jokes and hugs and I love you’s.

And my friends, for your patience and listening to my painful ranting and dealing with my slow walking and using you as a pillow in Spanish class when needed. For talking me through everything and letting me know you’ve got my best interest in mind, for just being there. For Bex’s hugs and jokes, Lauren’s smiles and “I understands”, for Charles constant support and “No need to thank me’s” and Ryann’s caring notions and “I love you’s”. Thank you for sitting and crying with me and the countless hugs that make me feel safe. If you’re reading this I love ya’ll so much.

I would apologize for this, but I think it’s good for ya’ll to get a good perspective on everything.

As always, love ya’ll

 

Advertisements

Blogmas Day 3! My Favorite Things

Hey ya’ll! So since yesterday I almost started ranting about all the things I love about Christmas, I decided to write it out today and just get it all out of my system XD

 

 

  1. Snow (It’s so fun and gorgeous, especially here with the best snow on Earth 😉
  2. Cold Weather (Unlike most people, I LOVE the cold weather)
  3. Boots (My usual cowboy boots, black boots, soft boots, you get where I’m going…)
  4. Sweaters (Ahhhhh I’m wearing the fuzziest, softest sweater right now. I have an OBSESSION with sweaters. Not even kidding)
  5. Hot Chocolate (Especially with little marshmallows and peppermint in my special cup)
  6. The Fireplace (We have one right in our front room that is AMAZING)
  7. Blankets (I already have an obsession with blankets, but there is one super faux fur fuzzy one I have that takes the cake. All of my friends know about it, that’s how in love with this blanket I am.)
  8. Family (I’m the oldest of 13 cousins and all of them are VERY dear to my heart)
  9. No School (The break is SO nice)
  10. Lights (They’re sooo pretty)
  11. Spirit (Just the overall happiness and joy that Christmas brings)

I decided to do 11 since it’s my lucky number and I still have homework to do……. Comment below what you’re favorite things about Christmas are!

Love ya’ll and Merry Christmas Eve^21

Blogmas Day 2: Christmas Traditions

Hey ya’ll! How has your day been? Mine was pretty good, our orchestra music for the Christmas concert is sounding pretty cool! For the 2nd day of blogmas, I’m writing out all of mine and my family’s Christmas Eve/Day Traditions.
image

 

  • Going to my grandma’s house with all my cousins
  • Getting matching pajamas
  • Putting on the Nativity play
  • Opening cousin/grandparent presents
  • Me (ze oldest) getting food for all the kids (Although this happens at most family parties already….)

 
image

 

  • Wearing new clothes (This is more of a want than a tradition I think..)
  • Calling all the fam bam/ friends to see what they got (Yes I call my family the fam bam.)
  • Eating prime rib for dinner (It’s SOOOOO good man)
  • Always going through the stockings before presents
  • My only sibling and I having separate wrapping paper on presents
  • A scavenger hunt to find our big presents (They’re normally matching but not always. We got phones last year and I believe TV’s the year before… but I remember one year I got a bike and he got an electric guitar so there’s one difference)
  • Eating dinner with  our close family friends (Yeah, they’re just family now)

 
image

That’s all that I can think of……. Comment below some Christmas Eve/Day traditions you have!  Oh btw the picture above is my (slightly) decorated room. The lights are little M&M men, they’re so cute!

Love ya’ll and merry Christmas Eve^22

 

Blogmas?!

Yo, yo, yo! Or as my December 1st mindset would say, ho, ho, ho! Okay so it just barely hit me that it is actually Christmastime. Aaaggh I LOVE Christmas. I love being able to snuggle up with my fuzzy blanket and hot chocolate, watching another rom com that my mom talked me into. Or buying and giving away funny, meaningful gifts to my friends. And spending Christmas Eve with all my little cousins, opening homemade presents wearing matching pajamas. Or watching them pile toys and gifts into a bag and bring them to the door of the family we’d chosen to give Christmas to that year.

I could go on forever…… but ANYWAYS

About 5 seconds ago I decided that I actually really want to do blogmas. I think it would be a really fun and motivating way to help me blog more often.

And I’m sorry for all the absence, but I’ve been in quite a lot of pain lately so every moment I’m not at school or the hospital, I’m attempting to sleep.

But back on topic, I do have a few ideas for blogmas such as:

  1. On my “Christmas Wishlist” is paint and stuff to finish my secret room (a room above my closet like in the ceiling) so I could post pictures and writeups of the decoration, painting, carpetry, ladder building, all that jazz. I think this would be really fun! I’m super excited to get this all done, my family built our own house so I’m pretty into construction projects.
  2. Christmas Story- I could write one actual story throughout the month of December, write a story for one day of blogmas, or do different stories for a few different days.
  3. Ideas for what to give people
  4. Christmas Traditions
  5. Christmas Haul
  6. How to serve/give during Christmas
  7. Different Christmas-y foods, activities, etc.

Would any of you like to see any of these posts? There’s no point in writing something nobody wants to read, so let me know! Also comment any other ideas/posts you want me to do!

Love ya’ll!! And Merry Christmas Eve^23!