Not Again

I woke up yesterday in my new sweatpants. The sun flooded my room and I was smiling to myself as I read through all of your posts. And then I it a text from my cousin. 

She asking if I knew what happened to this guy who went to my school who was also basically her best friend. They were born 17 days apart. 

My heart sank as I typed that I had no idea what she was talking about. Thoughts of him being in the hospital ran through my head as she called. 

“He committed suicide”. Three words I never wanted to hear again, three words I’ve heard 3 times. 

And then came the sobbing and I tried to help.  I did what I could and told her I would always be there and that I loved her. 

All day I was sick to my stomach. As we helped our neighbors move,  all I could think was, “Not again, not again.” My mom kept throwing me worried glances and each time, “I feel horrible. She’s so far away I just want to be there” rolled out. 

My cousin mentioned above, lives it our grandma. Her little brother had a football game that afternoon. At the game my aunt told me the story and more details about it all. I felt even worse. 

When my aunt until walked away I couldn’t help it, tears filled my eyes and I forced myself to focus on the game. Just run, tackle him! Go, go!  

But my mom saw right through me. She asked if I was okay in that mom voice that I know she feels bad. And the tears dripped down my cheeks no matter now hard I tried to stop them. Big sunglasses are perfect for when you’re crying in public. 

After that I kept it together pretty well. We went home and cleaned out some of the garage. My brother was going to sleepover over at my other aunts so I drove him and my mom out to my grandma’s house. I ended up just sleeping over here for the night, and am writing this from her couch. 

I went to sleep holding a baby and thinking of someone who would never get to hold their own child. Rocking a crying baby thinking about someone would would never cry again. I was looking at a form of new life, with so much potential and energy, thinking about such a sad form of The End. 

If any of you ever feel so lost and hopeless that you think you’d rather be dead, there are so many places you could go for help. There are so many people who love and care for you. Even if they don’t know you yet. Once something like this is done-its done. There’s not any more chances or take backs. It’s terrifyingly permanent. If you’re scared to ask for help, I can almost promise it won’t be as scary as looking a death that doesn’t  have to happen in the eye. I speak for me and the least 100 other people that would always be willing you talk, listen or help.

I love y’all, -Aspen. Just Aspen today, not a pseudonym on the Internet, a real person who really cares.