You spend your nights in the company of melancholy
playing the music just loud enough to convince your thoughts
to not drift too far away,
drifting your fingers through the flames of a burning candle
just to make sure you can feel anything at all.
You tell yourself you’re happy and not something else,
but happiness isn’t a constant state of being.
It’s an emotion, that comes and goes as fast as
the gas in the car you drive for miles and miles
searching for somewhere, for something, that
makes you feel like you belong.
But home is not always a house, sometimes home
is many houses.
And sometimes home is the many people inside
the houses, or one person and no house at all.
Or maybe it’s just you.
I haven’t had a day like this in a long time. After you left, I could already feel it coming. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but it’s like this mass inside my stomach & chest that makes everything feel so … worthless. I spent all day trying to accomplish something so I felt better. I tried to get ready so I would feel pretty, and I did for a second but it didn’t matter. So I tried to do homework to feel productive, but I just felt worse. I hate basing my self-worth off of school, I get so sick of being “smart” sometimes. I’d rather be brave, or fun, or adventurous- not stuck at a desk doing yet another assignment that in the grand scheme of things is meaningless. I believe in working hard for things, I really do. It’s just, my life could end tomorrow, and what do I have to show for it, good grades?? After I finally forced myself to leave my room to eat something & watch football. Within 5 minutes I couldn’t pay attention so I turned on the TV, and then grabbed my phone, trying to distract myself form thinking about what I knew was coming. That eventually led to blasting music & cleaning every possible thing in an attempt to stay sane. It’s now 10 p.m. and I’m sitting on the kitchen floor listening to your playlist. I have no idea if you’ll ever even read this, but I hope that you know that tonight you could’ve saved my life. No matter what thought has popped into my head these last few hours, one of you follows. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. And I’m sorry for thinking about it or more than thinking about it- I really am. I don’t know if I’m an anomaly or not, sometimes these days just happen. Half of me is terrified to show this to you, because I don’t want you to be disappointed or think you don’t make me happy enough. Because you do, that’s why I’m still writing this. The other half of me wants to send it right now, before you even wake up, because I feel like I shouldn’t keep it from you & I just want someone to know. But in the end I guess all I really have to say is thank you, and I love you.