I feel so damn pathetic for writing this.
I should’ve known. Nobody ever thinks it’s going to happen to them.
I never thought it would happen to us, never thought my first genuine heartbreak wouldn’t even be over a boy.
Everyone says growing up changes things and ruins friendships. I want to deny it so badly but I have less and less to push back with.
And the worst part is that suspense, still hanging in the air.
Will they or won’t they?
Will they or won’t they fix it, talk it out, make up, just like the good old days.
Will they or won’t they end it all, walk away, leave it in the past.
I don’t know. Will we or won’t we?
It wasn’t until I fell for you that I knew you could truly teach me what heartbreak meant.
From the first time you looked at me, actually looked at me, I wanted to do everything I could to keep your attention.
I barely even knew you, yet you were constantly on my mind.
You smiled and in that moment I knew I could never forgive myself if I ever did anything to ruin it.
So unexpected, so sudden, so special.
Everything I do, I daydream about you being there with me because nothing is better than being by your side.
I can’t wait to experience every mundane moment with you.
what if every single thing i want so bad never comes true…
what if i have no control over it at all?
what if i never had a choice at all and its all just a game my mind plays over and over again in a body that unconsciously makes the ultimate decision.
the question is, did any of it ever matter?
can my purpose really just be to experience emotions…
its like this broken down roller coaster i never chose to get on and now i can’t decide if i even want to get off
sure i might not make it, but then there’s no decision at all.
am i really so weak that i just want the easy way out? would i really rather give up than have to choose?
im so used to living for today i forget about tomorrow,
because tomorrow will always seem too good to be true.
-A.K.A. The Author