Magnetism

I’ve always believed that people carry a special energy with them, a positive or negative magnetism if you will.

I’ve also always considered myself to be observant of this magnetism. It may sound unreasonable or judgmental, but within moment of meeting someone I could decide whether I felt “right” or “off” with someone for seemingly no reason at all.

Take for instance my brother’s best friend from elementary who turned out to be a bully, or the girl in 10th grade orchestra everybody loved (except me) who apparently didn’t mind which boys had girlfriends.

On the other hand, take the girl who I went to classes with for years and then went to her house one time and never stopped. What about the girl that I talked to the first day of 7th grade despite the fact that we have nearly nothing in common who I still talk to more than most people? And the boy across the world that has kept my attention for more than 8 months after one afternoon?

I think that most people would agree that there’s some people you just get along with and some you just don’t. I wonder if anyone else would agree a large part of that is decided before the first word is ever spoken.

• A.K.A The Author

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Not Quite

Do you ever have the sudden realization that someone you have seemingly always needed in your life, doesn’t need you the same way anymore?

Sometimes it can be really hard to make a decision about what will make you happiest when it involves deciding who needs you more, and who you need more.

It’s also really hard to realize that while that one person may be your only reason for being somewhere, that doesn’t mean you are their only reason.

I guess I just don’t feel as important as I used to be, not as needed. Like sometimes our relationship happens because of habit and not because they want to spend time with me as much as I do with them.

And I’m learning that assuming how people feel is a downward spiral.

But asking about it seems even scarier.

Yet the scariest thing is not knowing where you stand with someone. Not knowing if they want what you want, not knowing if they’re telling you what they really feel.

My thoughts are a disaster at the moment as I’m sure anyone reading this can tell. I’ll let you know if I figure anything out, I just felt like writing it down and getting it out of my head.

It’s not quite the same as it was before,

but neither are we.

We’ve changed together,

but also apart.

For better or for worse,

I’m not quite sure.

Not quite as close,

not quite as open.

Not quite as attached,

yet still connected.

But is it just me,

who feels this way?

Am I the only one

who notices the change?

Sometimes I just feel crazy,

or left out.

But sometimes,

I think you see it too.

Not my best work, but its meh.

-A.K.A The Author

Christmas in London pt.1

January 7th, 2019

It’s currently 5:15 p.m. in London, 10:15 a.m. at home in Utah, and 1:45 p.m. in St. Johns which I am currently flying over.  I have just under 4 hours of this flight left before I have to catch a flight from Chicago to Denver and then Denver to SLC.

To put it simply, this has been one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time, if not ever. So many poor strangers have been freaked out about why this random teenage girl keeps crying…on the train… and in the airport…and on the plane.

In case you didn’t know, I spent the last 3 weeks in London with my boyfriend and his family for Christmas. And today I had to leave him there and go home, which is over 4,000 miles away.

This morning I woke up at 6:45 a.m. for one last cuddle sesh before we had to get up. I said goodbye to his parents who were amazing to me the whole trip. I’m so grateful that we both have families who are extremely supportive of our situation.

These last 3 weeks have been some of the best of my life. The 4 months we spent apart were worth it within 10 seconds of seeing him. I want to write about everything we did (and I will) but I’m just making myself cry even more thinking about it right now. I pray these next few months fly by.

January 11, 2019

Update: It’s a few days later and I am currently back at school in St. George (unfortunately). The days are still really hard, but they’re getting easier. I really want to write about the trip while it’s still fresh in my mind BUT there’s a ton so I think I may do 3 separate posts, one for each week.

Update pt. 2: It’s now the end of January, and it is still getting easier although some days are really hard as they always will be, but I had such a blast and I want to make sure that I have record of it here!

• Dec. 18th

After landing at Heathrow airport, I had to go through customs which I swear took about 5,000 years. I finally got to see him and may or may not have actually ran into his arms *cliche, I know* and I was honestly in shock. We headed back to his house after a few pigeon jokes and lots of hugs.  Nothing much happened other than I got to meet his sister and mom, and then later that night his dad came out to say hi while we were in the hot tub!

• Dec. 19th

Wednesday morning we got up and got ready to go into London! We decided to walk around Embankment which is where we went the first time we met! We walked over a bridge, past Big Ben and Parliament and then down to Trafalgar Square and into Covent Garden. It was all decorated for Christmas and it was so so cute. We went into a little fancy shop for afternoon tea a.k.a hot chocolate and scones with clotted cream and jam (I’m in love). Later that night 2 of his friends came over and we played pool, and even though I’m horrid it was still really fun.

• Dec. 20th

We stayed at home and watched Back to the Future, one of his favorite movies that I had never seen before (I know it’s basically a crime). The rest of the day we just hung out and had a chill day spending time together.

• Dec. 21st

Earlier in the day we went to Sainsbury’s to pick up a few last minute gifts for his family and on the way home we picked up shakes and they were so good (even if I was freezing). Later that night we went to a pantomime of Beauty and the Beast with his whole family and I met his older brother and his wife. The show itself was really funny and I’m really glad I got to experience it! Especially since it included getting a picture of Ewan wearing a sparkly headand (I may have forced on him) and a Christmas sweater.

• Dec. 22nd

Saturday we got up early to meet two other bloggers at waterloo station. After walking in circles for a good half an hour we accidentally found embankment. Just like a few days earlier we walked to Trafalgar square and Covent garden. After that we went to Leicester square, Oxford street, Regents street, and Soho which was all decked out with a Bohemian Rhapsody theme. There were huge neon signs of lyrics going down the streets, it was so cool. Eventually we had to say goodbye to them and headed to meet his other friend and his girlfiend to go ice skating! While we almost got taken out by a few children (and adults) it was still a blast and I loved hanging out with his friends.  

• Dec. 23rd

In the morning we woke up to him getting a uni offer! It was the first one so it was really exciting! After that we got ready to go and meet his dad’s side of the family at his grandparents house. I met his cousins, grandparents, and aunt and uncle who were all so nice.  I was nervous at first, but they made me feel welcome immediatly. Afterwards, Ewan and I walked over to Primrose hill which has this really pretty view of London. The lights were all on down the hill and I just remember being so content just holding his hand. On the way back we got caught in the rain and ended up speed walking back to a train station, still laughing of course. Later that night we watched my favorite Christmas movie with his family,  How the Grinch Stole Christmas!

• Dec. 24th

During the day we just hung out, but later that night we went to dinner with some of his family friends! They were all really nice too and the food was really good. Even though I was sick, I had a great time (especially since the waiter was really nice and brought me some mint tea).  I couldn’t stop coughing so we went back home to rest and I got a Christmas burrito (A.K.A. wrapped in blankets) which is one of my favorite thing, especially when mixed with cuddles. Honestly I was a coughing mess for a lot of the days but I didn’t even mind because he was there taking care of me and getting water approx. every 15 seconds.

• Dec. 25th

I woke up to E’s grandma telling me that it was Christmas! We grabbed the pillowcases/ stockings from in front of the bedroom doors that were filled with presents (it was a different tradition I got to experience!) and headed down to the kitchen with the rest of the family. We spent the rest of the morning opening presents (which his family spoiled me wayyyy too much and I’m so thankful for everything). I brought over a few different foods and it was fun to see everyone try them. The salt water taffy was specifically a hit which was cool because it is made right in Salt Lake! Although my favorite part was giving Ewan his gift (a wooden watch with the day we started dating engraved on the back) and my favorite gift was obviously the earrings he got me (they’re super cute and heart shaped and yeah I haven’t really taken them off tbh).

Later in the afternoon I got to skype my family and saw my brother get the crested gecko he wanted really bad. It’s name is Mushu and he’s so cute! After his dad’s parents came over and I got to experience my first English Christmas dinner! It was really good but it was SO much food ( even though Ewan ate like half of mine).

I missed my family a little bit, but overall it’s one of the best Christmases I’ve ever had! His family was amazing and I had so much fun meeting everyone and just being able to spend time with him. We did a lot of other things in the next two weeks that I can’t wait to write about next.

-A.K.A. The Author

 

 

 

 

 

He Didn’t Tell Me

Before you, it was him.

And he told me that he loved me, and he told me that I was attractive.

But he didnt tell me I was beautiful.

He didn’t tell me that I was tough, or brave, or loving, or caring, or selfless.

He didn’t tell me that I can do anything I want

or that he just wants to see me happy.

That he respects me.

My body, my thoughts, my emotions, my opinions.

He never told me all of the things you tell me now.

Which is why he’s in the past and you’re my future.

-A.K.A. The Author

Finals

Hey everyone! 

I can’t believe it’s December and my first semester of college is almost over! Finals week is technically next week, but I have 2 this week too. My biology lab final was Monday and I think it went okay?? I have til Saturday to take my final for medical terminology and my last chapter test for human development. Then next week I  have my biology final, human development final, Spanish final, and psychology final before I get to head home for break!

I got one of the BEST early Christmas presents ever today! My biology teacher decided that since we’re behind, instead of taking the last chapter test AND a comprehensive final- the final is going to be the last chapter test!! I am honestly SO excited, the bio final was my biggest source of stress because my professors tests NEVER MATCH what he teaches in class. But now I have to study like crazy to do really well on this test. 

Another INSANE thing is that its now exactly 2 weeks until I’m in freaking LONDON again! I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on my blog yet actually, but basically instead of driving home to SLC and hibernating in my bedroom after eating a billion of my mom’s sugar cookies (pure heaven, honestly), I am going to be hopping on a plane and flying back to the city I was in exactly 6 months ago as of today! Something even crazier (somehow) is that I am going to be staying with my boyfriend and his family.

I have SO much to do but I’m also SO excited for the next few weeks! How are your finals going? 

Ellipses

You are my

ellipses,

because when it comes to you,

I always want

more… 

Still Not Home

Hey y’all.

It’s been an interesting week I guess. My headaches have been getting a bit better and today at neuro rehab I got to go outside and shoot around on the basketball court they have at the hospital which was really fun!

My cousin who is  a year older than me was in town for the day and we’ve been really close our whole lives so it was really good to see her and hangout. We basically spent the whole day laughing our heads off and I procrastinated my Spanish homework.

All in all it’s been a pretty good week, a lot better than the few past ones. But I’m still just struggling with being basically alone here. I have Lauren, but she has her roommates and they’re great and all, but they’re still HER friends. I just miss having my own friends.

I’m also really close with all of my younger cousins and aunts and uncles and it’s really hard being away from not only my parents and especially my little brother, but all of them too. I’m a people person and not being around more people I can actually talk to and hangout with is getting to me.

I know that I should just go out and make new friends but I’ve been so busy with homework and just not feeling good that as soon as school is over I just want to go home.

I  like it down here and I’m enjoying the smaller school environment, it’s just not really a place I could see myself staying long term. I realized earlier today that I still don’t call this home, even after 3 months. Home is still back north and this is still just “my house”.  St. George is a pretty small city that isn’t super rural itself, but there is a huge mass of rural land between here and northern Utah by Salt Lake. I miss being able to just get on the freeway and be either downtown or in the canyon within 40 minutes. And I miss the mountains sooo much, my sense of direction is basically gone without them. I miss the cold, it’s warm in November and I don’t understand how that even works. Plus I’ll only be able to go to one Utes game this year which breaks my heart on a whole other level.  I even miss living further away from things just so that I can actually listen to a whole song in the car before I have to get out.

I just kind of want to be anywhere but here at the moment.

Many Houses

 

You spend your nights in the company of melancholy

playing the music just loud enough to convince your thoughts

to not drift too far away,

drifting your fingers through the flames of a burning candle

just to make sure you can feel anything at all.

You tell yourself you’re happy and not something else,

but happiness isn’t a constant state of being.

It’s an emotion, that comes and goes as fast as

the gas in the car you drive for miles and miles

searching for somewhere, for something, that

makes you feel like you belong.

But home is not always a house, sometimes home

is many houses.

And sometimes home is the many people inside

the houses, or one person and no house at all.

Or maybe it’s just you.

Anomaly

Dear ________,

I haven’t had a day like this in a long time. After you left, I could already feel it coming. I don’t quite know how to describe it, but it’s like this mass inside my stomach & chest that makes everything feel so … worthless. I spent all day trying to accomplish something so I felt better.  I tried to get ready so I would feel pretty, and I did for a second but it didn’t matter. So I tried to do homework to feel productive, but I just felt worse.  I hate basing my self-worth off of school, I get so sick of being “smart” sometimes. I’d rather be brave, or fun, or adventurous- not stuck at a desk doing yet another assignment that in the grand scheme of things is meaningless. I believe in working hard for things, I really do. It’s just, my life could end tomorrow, and what do I have to show for it, good grades?? After I finally forced myself to leave my room to eat something & watch football. Within 5 minutes I couldn’t pay attention so I turned on the TV, and then grabbed my phone, trying to distract myself form thinking about what I knew was coming. That eventually led to blasting music & cleaning every possible thing in an attempt to stay sane. It’s now 10 p.m. and I’m sitting on the kitchen floor listening to your playlist. I have no idea if you’ll ever even read this, but I hope that you know that tonight you could’ve saved my life. No matter what thought has popped into my head these last few hours, one of you follows. I’m sorry I’m such a mess. And I’m sorry for thinking about it or more than thinking about it- I really am. I don’t know if I’m an anomaly or not, sometimes these days just happen. Half of me is terrified to show this to you, because I don’t want you to be disappointed or think you don’t make me happy enough. Because you do, that’s why I’m still writing this. The other half of me wants to send it right now, before you even wake up, because I feel like I shouldn’t keep it from you & I just want someone  to know. But in the end I guess all I really have to say is thank you, and I love you. 

– A

College Update!

Hey y’all! I’m currently writing from inside the Science building like a true college student.  If you didn’t know, I’m currently a freshman at Dixie State University. Today is my 3rd day and so far I’ve really liked it! This year I’m taking Intermediate Spanish, Biology and the Biology Lab, Kundalini Yoga, Psychology, Human Development through the Lifespan, and Medical Terminology.

Saying goodbye to my parents and little brother was actually pretty hard, especially when my mom started bawling immediately. Watching them drive away was a really weird feeling because I was really sad… but also really excited at the same time. I haven’t gotten home sick thus far ( go me xD) but I did tear up a little this morning while texting my brother because today is his 16th birthday. It’s the first birthday/holiday that I’m not home for which is a little sad, but since I’m the best sister ever (obviously) I ordered the game he’s really been wanting on Amazon so he has something from me to open.

I live in a little house with one other girl who I really like! We spent one of the nights watching TLC (can someone say guilty pleasure television?) and it was super fun! I also got a new mattress and I looooove ittttt.

Welp I am also great at procrastinating and so now its the weekend after my 2nd week of college and the homework is starting to flow in (help plz).

On Saturday I drove an hour out to my grandma’s house with Lauren to see my baby cousin! She’s almost 9 months now and she’s so so cute! She is starting to get a sense of “stranger danger” but still let me hold her for the most part thankfully. My uncle from Arizona and his girlfriend also came and brought this really good pie from a small shop in the middle of nowhere essentially xD

Oh, also! My allergy to high fructose corn syrup has decided to show up again which means that I had to get rid of all the food that has it since I’m trying to keep myself alive over here.  Thankfully I got in the habit of buying certain brands that already don’t have HFCS in it like ketchup and bread, but basically all the candy and sweets and stuff like that had to go. (Oh and btw for those who live outside of the U.S. high fructose corn syrup is in like everything).

Overrall everything has been going pretty good and I’ve really liked living on my own and going to college instead of high school. I’m hoping to be able to keep actively blogging, so we’ll see how that goes!

Love y’all! -Aspen AKA The Author