Admitting Everything Isn’t “OK”

We’ve all heard that one of the hardest things is admitting that everything isn’t okay. If I was to be honest, I haven’t been that okay in a long time. After the newness and wide eyed wonder of first semester wore off, the loneliness hit hard.

I was used to being around family every day, and extended family nearly once a week. I had a solid group of best friends that stuck by my side through all of high school, if not middle school, and now we were all being split up. Even though my best friend followed me South, she had her own roommates and I found myself seemingly suddenly isolated from everything outside of my bedroom walls. I got a pretty bad concussion very early on in the school year, and soon I found myself not only in pain but also struggling to keep up with everything that being a freshman in college encompassed. Instead of meeting new people, I spent all my free time at neurological rehabilitation appointments.

Throughout the fall there were ups & downs, but January led to a quick descent. I spent Christmas break with my boyfriend in London, having arguably the best 3 weeks of my life. That goodbye was not easy to say the least, I cried more that day than I had in a long time. As soon as I got back to school, I knew I wasn’t me. I felt so empty and unmotivated which is so unlike me. I went to school and work and then came home and watched Netflix until I passed out- and that was it.

It got to the point that Ewan encouraged me to call my parents who told me to come home for the weekend. I was able to readjust a little and I pushed and fought my way through the end of the semester until Ewan came and visited me for my birthday! That trip was also amazing and I felt so hopeful and alive and happy.

Then finals week came, and yet again that feeling came back again. I moved home a week later, and soon after that I was on a trip to Canada with my best friend. I told everyone that I had so much fun but honestly I was experiencing a level of self-hate that was unprecedented to me.

By the end of May, said “best friend” and I had a falling out which has a post of its own and could honestly use a few more – but the point is that it hit me really hard for multiple reasons. She and I were so close for so long that it really made me question if I was a good person, if I just didn’t deserve to have people love me. Now I’ve gotten into the mindset that I have no idea what she is thinking and that is perfectly okay because if she doesn’t want to be a part of my life, then great.

Now that I’ve given you an outline of my year, I can give you my summary of sorts. Throughout time I’ve slowly gathered that I have some version of anxiety, in my opinion it’s most likely high functioning of some sort, but I haven’t been to a professional yet to be sure. This has been both an old and new challenge as it changes and worsens. I have been so scared to talk about it for so long and just a few days ago had a talk with my mom about actually getting help.

Strangely enough, this is the most open and positive I have been in about a year. As difficult as it is I no longer feel like I’m lying to myself or trying to put on this perfect act to make sure my parents didn’t worry and no one asked questions.

I’ve said that it’s okay to not be okay more than a million times and more than half of those times I didn’t believe it. Every day is a struggle, but it does get better, and things change. All you can do is keep moving and acting on what you really want.

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Change

Hey y’all. Wow.

I’m currently sitting in the library of my college “studying” for finals which finish next week. One week, and my freshman year of college is over. Crazy. It’s been a busy, long, rough week. My boyfriend came to visit for 2 weeks for my birthday and it was SO much fun. We went to Kanab and spent time with my family, and even spent a night in Vegas together! He left on Sunday which just makes everything harder. It’s really difficult to go from such a high one morning to being alone studying for finals within a day.

I’m also packing everything that I own up so that I can move out this weekend. I’ll sleep at my best friend’s apartment for the few days left until finals are over and then drive home for the summer. I’m really excited to be able to spend time with my little brother and all my cousins. And then later this summer I get to go back to London (so insane) but on the way back, instead of getting on the plane alone, I get to hold Ewan’s hand, knowing that I never have to say goodbye for that long again which BLOWS MY MIND.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how much my life has changed in the last few weeks, months, or even year. Within the last few weeks i have nearly finished all of my classes, found out I’m going to see Kesha in concert (LITERALLY A DREAM, MY BEST FRIEND IS THE BEST) and we have planned our trip to Canada! It’s going to be Lauren’s first time out of the United States and its going to be a freaking blast, I love road trips with her (and I get to cross another country off my list)!

OH! And I almost forgot, I turned 19!

Within the last year, I have graduated from high school, traveled to Europe, met the love of my life, started college, spent Christmas in London, made many memories with my new friends and my best friend, and so many more. As excited as I am for summer and the next year to come, I’ll never forget this one. All of the skype calls, all of the late nights studying, watching way too much Beat Bobby Flay, hammocking, singing in the car, and so much laughing.

As difficult as it has been I am so grateful for everything I’ve experienced and learned this year. I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do, and I can’t wait to make even more memories with them!

Hopefully I survive finals week and make it to next semester, wish me luck.

Love y’all! – Aspen AKA The Author

Finals

Hey everyone! 

I can’t believe it’s December and my first semester of college is almost over! Finals week is technically next week, but I have 2 this week too. My biology lab final was Monday and I think it went okay?? I have til Saturday to take my final for medical terminology and my last chapter test for human development. Then next week I  have my biology final, human development final, Spanish final, and psychology final before I get to head home for break!

I got one of the BEST early Christmas presents ever today! My biology teacher decided that since we’re behind, instead of taking the last chapter test AND a comprehensive final- the final is going to be the last chapter test!! I am honestly SO excited, the bio final was my biggest source of stress because my professors tests NEVER MATCH what he teaches in class. But now I have to study like crazy to do really well on this test. 

Another INSANE thing is that its now exactly 2 weeks until I’m in freaking LONDON again! I don’t think I’ve mentioned this on my blog yet actually, but basically instead of driving home to SLC and hibernating in my bedroom after eating a billion of my mom’s sugar cookies (pure heaven, honestly), I am going to be hopping on a plane and flying back to the city I was in exactly 6 months ago as of today! Something even crazier (somehow) is that I am going to be staying with my boyfriend and his family.

I have SO much to do but I’m also SO excited for the next few weeks! How are your finals going? 

College Update!

Hey y’all! I’m currently writing from inside the Science building like a true college student.  If you didn’t know, I’m currently a freshman at Dixie State University. Today is my 3rd day and so far I’ve really liked it! This year I’m taking Intermediate Spanish, Biology and the Biology Lab, Kundalini Yoga, Psychology, Human Development through the Lifespan, and Medical Terminology.

Saying goodbye to my parents and little brother was actually pretty hard, especially when my mom started bawling immediately. Watching them drive away was a really weird feeling because I was really sad… but also really excited at the same time. I haven’t gotten home sick thus far ( go me xD) but I did tear up a little this morning while texting my brother because today is his 16th birthday. It’s the first birthday/holiday that I’m not home for which is a little sad, but since I’m the best sister ever (obviously) I ordered the game he’s really been wanting on Amazon so he has something from me to open.

I live in a little house with one other girl who I really like! We spent one of the nights watching TLC (can someone say guilty pleasure television?) and it was super fun! I also got a new mattress and I looooove ittttt.

Welp I am also great at procrastinating and so now its the weekend after my 2nd week of college and the homework is starting to flow in (help plz).

On Saturday I drove an hour out to my grandma’s house with Lauren to see my baby cousin! She’s almost 9 months now and she’s so so cute! She is starting to get a sense of “stranger danger” but still let me hold her for the most part thankfully. My uncle from Arizona and his girlfriend also came and brought this really good pie from a small shop in the middle of nowhere essentially xD

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Oh, also! My allergy to high fructose corn syrup has decided to show up again which means that I had to get rid of all the food that has it since I’m trying to keep myself alive over here.  Thankfully I got in the habit of buying certain brands that already don’t have HFCS in it like ketchup and bread, but basically all the candy and sweets and stuff like that had to go. (Oh and btw for those who live outside of the U.S. high fructose corn syrup is in like everything).

Overrall everything has been going pretty good and I’ve really liked living on my own and going to college instead of high school. I’m hoping to be able to keep actively blogging, so we’ll see how that goes!

Love y’all! -Aspen AKA The Author

Graduation!

Hey y’all! Well it’s only been about a month since I last wrote yet my life has completely changed in the last few weeks. I just got home from my 3 week trip around Europe ( but that’s a post for next time)

3 days before I left for Europe I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL!!

It’s one of the days you always think about and know is coming, but never think will happen. The whole experience was surreal. Before the ceremony I was sitting in a hallway with around 1500 other girls I had just spent the last 3 years of my life with. Hundreds of people I had befriended, made jokes with, or shared notes with. Many of them I spoke to on a daily basis.And 5 of them I stood next to wondering how we survived high school. Compared to many others,  I would say my friend group went through some very difficult things and we somehow stuck together.

The ceremony itself was actually really great, Lauren and I sat next to this hilarious kid who kept talking about how he was going to get wasted . Our principal is switching schools next year so his speech was actually a video that was super good! His motto (and our schools) is “we bow to no one” so at the end he got up and told us that he respected us and loved us so much and then he literally bowed to us on stage. All 800+ of us were shocked to say the least. ALSO, I surprisingly didn’t trip on stage even though I was hearing heels!

After the ceremony I went to dinner with my family, but then we all met up again for Senior Sunset. Basically the school rented out a recreation center til 4 a.m. so we got to do rock climbing, basketball, volleyball, ping pong, air hockey, zumba, swimming, etc all night long. They even had karaoke and Just Dance set up, and unlimited ice cream. It was really weird to leave the building knowing that I would never see most of them ever again.

The really odd part though is that graduation didn’t hit me hard, but now being home from my trip everything just seems a little different. Maybe it’s just knowing that in less than 2 months this won’t really be home for me anymore. Today I walked up the street to one of my best friends’ houses and it hit me that the walk I’ve been making for 5 years will end.

I don’t really know how I feel about it. I’m really excited about college and meeting new people, but change is hard.

Stay tuned for my post about Europe!! Love y’all!

-Aspen AKA The Author

Why the Second-Half of Senior Year Sucks

Hey y’all, it’s been a little while…again. I just got back from a weekend trip to the college that I will most likely be attending in the fall.

We went on a campus tour and all of that fun stuff, and I think that I’ll really like living down there, even if it is warm most of the time.

But at the same time… I don’t really want to go to be completely honest. I got a full ride scholarship and my best friend is even going, but I’m so stressed right now that I don’t feel confident in any decision that I try to make.

My grandparents even live down there and offered to let me live with them for free, or I could pay for housing and room with Lauren (my best friend), but I have no idea what to do.

At this point my 18th birthday seems like something I’ll never make it to, let alone graduation, or the whole craziness of trying to plan my 3 week senior trip to Europe.

And I’m really not trying to complain, I’m so lucky to have parents taking me on that trip in the first place and it will be amazing, or to have the chance to even graduate and continue my education, let alone get a full ride scholarship.

But at the end of the day I don’t know how I’m supposed to choose.

Let me know if you have any ideas, I have a feeling I’ll be writing more about all of this soon.

Love y’all.

-Aspen AKA The Author