These Are The Nights That Make it All Worth It

Hey y’all! So last night I went to a music festival called LOVELOUD and it was AMAZING. The music was so good, but it came with an even more important message.

Utah has one of the highest suicide rates in the country, at 60% higher than the national average. It’s the leading cause of death from ages 10-17. It makes me sick just typing it out. However it’s not even the number that makes me sick, even 1 is too much.

When it comes to suicide, any is too many.

Imagine Dragons performed at the festival and the leader singer had grown up in Utah himself. He talked a bit about how we knew what it was like to grow up here and how the pressure can be really difficult particularly because of religion, etc. But his main point was that we have to love each other and learn that the amount of worth you have is infinite no matter who you are, what you believe, how you identify, what you look like, etc. And that hit me really hard for some reason, I’ve been taught forms of that my entire life and I’ve been passionate about suicide prevention for years but last night was another reminder to me of how important it is.

Life is HARD. Life is SAD. Life is SCARY.  But life is SO GOOD. And life is SO WORTH IT.

I’ve been dealt my fair share of bad days, but standing in that crowd yesterday with thousands of other people screaming out lyrics was one of those nights that made every bad day this year worth it. I went to the concert with some really good family friends who I consider to be my 2nd mom and little brother along with her boyfriend and his kids and let me tell you I never want to miss out on all those smiles and craziness.  My cousins and other brother were there too and I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of hearing the laughter I grew up listening to.

I hope you know that I’m crying happy tears just writing this because there have been days where I have been so done with fighting to live. Days where I was so sick and in so  much pain. Days where I felt like my own parents couldn’t stand to be around me and I was so alone because no one else understood. And there will still be those days.

But as cheesy as it sounds I would take it every day because no matter how bad it gets, it can always get better. And I am so extremely grateful for the life I have and the people around me. This blog helped me through many things and y’all mean the world to me. And I know that I am so so lucky to have the amazing family, boyfriend, and best friends that I do because not everyone does.

However, if you think that no one cares about you, I do. No matter what, 100% of the time I care about how you are and that you’re here even if we haven’t met or talked before. You are of the utmost importance I promise you.

So let’s just all love a little more, and appreciate the good days that come around. Live unapologetically.

Love y’all! – Aspen

Not Again

I woke up yesterday in my new sweatpants. The sun flooded my room and I was smiling to myself as I read through all of your posts. And then I it a text from my cousin. 

She asking if I knew what happened to this guy who went to my school who was also basically her best friend. They were born 17 days apart. 

My heart sank as I typed that I had no idea what she was talking about. Thoughts of him being in the hospital ran through my head as she called. 

“He committed suicide”. Three words I never wanted to hear again, three words I’ve heard 3 times. 

And then came the sobbing and I tried to help.  I did what I could and told her I would always be there and that I loved her. 

All day I was sick to my stomach. As we helped our neighbors move,  all I could think was, “Not again, not again.” My mom kept throwing me worried glances and each time, “I feel horrible. She’s so far away I just want to be there” rolled out. 

My cousin mentioned above, lives it our grandma. Her little brother had a football game that afternoon. At the game my aunt told me the story and more details about it all. I felt even worse. 

When my aunt until walked away I couldn’t help it, tears filled my eyes and I forced myself to focus on the game. Just run, tackle him! Go, go!  

But my mom saw right through me. She asked if I was okay in that mom voice that I know she feels bad. And the tears dripped down my cheeks no matter now hard I tried to stop them. Big sunglasses are perfect for when you’re crying in public. 

After that I kept it together pretty well. We went home and cleaned out some of the garage. My brother was going to sleepover over at my other aunts so I drove him and my mom out to my grandma’s house. I ended up just sleeping over here for the night, and am writing this from her couch. 

I went to sleep holding a baby and thinking of someone who would never get to hold their own child. Rocking a crying baby thinking about someone would would never cry again. I was looking at a form of new life, with so much potential and energy, thinking about such a sad form of The End. 

If any of you ever feel so lost and hopeless that you think you’d rather be dead, there are so many places you could go for help. There are so many people who love and care for you. Even if they don’t know you yet. Once something like this is done-its done. There’s not any more chances or take backs. It’s terrifyingly permanent. If you’re scared to ask for help, I can almost promise it won’t be as scary as looking a death that doesn’t  have to happen in the eye. I speak for me and the least 100 other people that would always be willing you talk, listen or help.

I love y’all, -Aspen. Just Aspen today, not a pseudonym on the Internet, a real person who really cares.  

Trigger, Trigger, Bullet

Yellow Frosting.
Trigger.

Half crescent moons.
Trigger.

Red chair.
Trigger.

Rope.
Trigger.

Every joking, “kill yourself”.
Trigger.

Songs, books, movies.
Trigger, Trigger, Trigger.
Bullet, Bullet, Bullet.

Into my head.
Into my heart.
Into my dreams.

Post Trigger, tears.

Traumatic Trigger, images.

Stress Trigger, screams.

DisorderTrigger, I can’t breathe.

Caiden.

Trigger.

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