Posted on by AKA The Author

Messy

Hey ya’ll this is going to be messy, but I need to write it down. I’m not sure if I’ll post it, but I guess we’ll see.

Yesterday I got sick. Not anything particular major, just a cold. But my body takes things to the extreme so a cold isn’t very enjoyable. A cold isn’t days of coughing and sneezing, a cold is calling doctors and trying not to panic. I feel like I’ve already been told to walk the plank and this is just another inch towards the ocean. Because even though colds can be life threatening for most people, for me it’s in the 80-90% range.

You know sometimes I wish it would just happen. That it’d all be over with. But I don’t want to die. I don’t want to miss everything.
I DON’T WANT TO DIE, I JUST WANT IT TO STOP.
And the people who should be able to help are the most unsure. Hearing my entire future relying on the words, “We don’t know” and “not getting better” isn’t very assuring.
Because you’re not getting better doesn’t mean a future.
You’re not getting better means no future.
You’re not getting better means smashing hope.
You’re not getting better means you probably never will.
It means, I’m not getting better.
I won’t have a future.

But I want a future, that’s all I ever wanted. And I don’t have anyone to blame everyone I’ve ever told has been so kind, I can’t even blame myself because I couldn’t change it if I wanted to. Hell I can’t even blame God because he gave me another chance 5 years ago. I’m just so….. greedy. I want MORE. More than I deserve I guess.
Because you’re not getting better only means you’re getting worse.

38 Replies to “Messy”

  1. I… gosh, all I can say is I’m sorry. I really, really, really hope you get better. I’m hoping those words will change. But try to stay hopeful. sorry I can’t give you any more help, but yeah.

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  7. “More than you deserve”? Come on, Aspen!! I know you better than that. You deserve the very BEST, and you’ve been so strong through all of this. Everyone crumbles every once in a while. I’m always here if you need some encouragement or just want to chat. And I’ll always be rooting for you! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Aspen…sometimes things are thrown at us to test our strength, and sometimes we stumble. But from hearing you talk since last July (I can’t believe it’s been that long) you’ve changed my life with your brave heart and a intrepid soul. YOU are amazing! And really, I can’t imagine a life without you now, because every day I get on and look for a Aspen post. So I’m praying every day for you to get better and I promise I will never lose hope! I love you!
    Your blogging twin and friend,
    Liv

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  24. Haha I’m really trying Dz, and I can be. I know that there’s always a possibility that everything is okay and I’m holding onto it tighter than anyone else. I just can’t ignore the fact that it might not.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m rebuilding myself for other people so that on the outside I seem fine but inside I’m barely standing. Literally 😉 Okay that wasn’t very funny….

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Oh my gosh Liv! You have no idea how much this means to me! I can’t believe we’ve grown so close either, and I LOVE it. Just so you know, people like you are the reason I want to stick around. I love you too blogging twin! -Aspen AKA the girl forever in your debt 😉

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